I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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