I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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