can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
