I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
