Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
