just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
