I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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