We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i believe in u and ur pee
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