I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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