I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
