gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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