I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
