I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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