spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize