New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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