the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
