We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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