At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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