i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
