I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
