mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
