In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
