My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
