i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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