literally had 100 drinks last night.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
false alarm, still single
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
