The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
