Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
