I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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