Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
