I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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