dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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