he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
