i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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