Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize