Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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