Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
