I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
