So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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