direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
