We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
