It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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