I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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