he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
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