My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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