My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
