shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
