Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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