This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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