One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
