I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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