you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Let's get the cat blown out
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
