I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
