There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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