Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
