Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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