Got a toothbrush?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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