I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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