if i can run in heels then i can drive
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
