WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
