did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
