I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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